this was written awhile back, as in almost 8 months ago, but stands true today. this blog's purpose is to share our life and learnings but more often than not I only post the lovely for the purpose of focusing on joy and our blessings. however, this is something that has been very present in my life and thus should be said and shared.
Urg. I hate it. Yet if I were to be very, very honest I would tell you I struggle with it often. I watch others get what my heart has longed for. Things I have yearned for, my "unattainables" that are someone else's obviously very attainable. First my heart hurts. Then the despair comes and the voice inside my head begins "I'm happy for them, really I am but...why not me?" "will this ever happen for me?". I know God holds no good thing from me, but.... why is He withholding this?
I try so very very hard and.....
Then comes the truly horrid part. I start despising the person who has what I want. I start tearing them apart, piece by piece. Judging them, hating them, and wishing they didn't have THAT particular blessing that I so want. Then comes the guilt. How could I despise someone over a blessing?? How could I go so low?
I am so grateful that Christ has paid the price for my despicable sin. That it doesn't come down to me, but to Him. So then I confess my horrible secret sin. That I wanted the "unattainable" more than I loved Him. That I hated a brother or sister because of that idol. That I am despicable.
Then His grace, forgiveness, and love overwhelms my self-ridden heart. Then that jealousy, that ugly, despicable, joy destroying jealousy is conquered by my Heavenly Father.
I miss you. A lot. Like the sappy "as I look through these pictures I'm crying" kind of missing you.
And I know about this point you're thinking "geez, Lyssa needs to get some friends". I HAVE a lot of friends thank you very much, but they DON'T replace you and so I miss you. I know our opinions differ on more than one thing. But as much as we differ and as much as we don't understand each other there is an even deeper understanding and knowing of each other that is so precious to me.
I'm sorry I'm not there.
I'm so sorry I am missing so much by being 955 miles away. I'm sorry that as soon as we started to become close and began the joyful part of being sisters I upped and got married and moved across the country. I'm sorry I missed you learning how to drive and put on makeup and I'm sorry for what I will inevitably miss in the future. I know I was a bossy brat most of the time growing up (and still am at times :)) and I'm sorry for how that came out towards you. I'm sorry I never seem to have the courage or elegance of speech to say all this in person.
I miss you and I wish I was able to be more present in this whole "growing up" thing. Please please know that I love you with all I know how and I adore you.
It was such quiet rainy weekend.
Filled with finishing school papers and Christmas gifts.
For our 5th date of Christmas we went and saw some little friends dance
in the Nutcracker.
(It was Husband's first time to see it!)
I think I awwwed and wistfully smiled the whole time,
little girls in tutu's are just too much!
Especially when its our own little friends who we have watched
practice, practice, practice
and then perform beautifully.
It was perfect (:
Our hearts were (and are) heavy for the families of Newton, CT.
We sat in shock as we tearfully watched the news feed friday afternoon.
Much has been said and we have nothing to add except that
our hearts and prayers go out for those poor families, the town,
and the man who committed this heinous thing.
We pray salvation is found within the pain.