Jealousy

this was written awhile back, as in almost 8 months ago, but stands true today.
this blog's purpose is to share our life and learnings but more often than not I only 
post the lovely for the purpose of focusing on joy and our blessings.
however, this is something that has been very present in my life and thus should be said and shared.

Urg. I hate it. Yet if I were to be very, very honest I would tell you I struggle with it often. I watch others get what my heart has longed for. Things I have yearned for, my "unattainables" that are someone else's obviously very attainable. First my heart hurts. Then the despair comes and the voice inside my head begins "I'm happy for them, really I am but...why not me?" "will this ever happen for me?".  I know God holds no good thing from me, but.... why is He withholding this?

 I try so very very hard and.....

 nothing.

Then comes the truly horrid part. I start despising the person who has what I want. I start tearing them apart, piece by piece. Judging them, hating them, and wishing they didn't have THAT particular blessing that I so want. Then comes the guilt. How could I despise someone over a blessing?? How could I go so low? 

I am so grateful that Christ has paid the price for my despicable sin. That it doesn't come down to me, but to Him. So then I confess my horrible secret sin. That I wanted the "unattainable" more than I loved Him. That I hated a brother or sister because of that idol. That I am despicable.

Then His grace, forgiveness, and love overwhelms my self-ridden heart. Then that jealousy, that ugly, despicable, joy destroying jealousy is conquered by my Heavenly Father. 

And I am free indeed.